The Pleasencing!

by Miscellaneous Plumbing Fixtures

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about

After the release of my ten track ‘Weekend’ album I was thinking of spending the year challenging myself to make as many ten track albums as I could.
Then on the podcast Bloodbaths and Boomsticks they said do a ten track album about British character actor Donald Pleasence and I said “done!”
That is this album.

credits

released May 7, 2015

Written, performed and produced by Jon Cross of Miscellaneous Plumbing Fixtures.

Copyright Om/No Productions Music 2015

tags

license

all rights reserved
Track Name: The tale of the time that Donald Pleasence saved Adrienne Barbeau from some thugs in St.Louis
1980 downtown St.Louis
there’s people trying to Escape from New York
Donald Pleasance, Lee Van Cleef
and Ernest Borgnine
huddle round a burning car
cold and dark
Over in the Library
Harry Dean Stanton
makes speeches, makes soup and makes mess
while Adrienne Barbeau is stealing the show
while barely being contained by her dress

then late one evening
in a bad part of town
Barbeau finds herself a bit lost
She went out to buy herself spark plugs
but forgot all her cash and couldn’t cover the cost
when down a dark alley
around twelve o’clock
a menacing gang did appear
with flick knives and chains, batons and pipes
filling Barbeau full of fear.

Oh no
What will Barbeau do
She’s stranded
no weapon no clue
maybe she could fend them off with her shoe
won’t somebody help Barbeau
won’t somebody help Barbeau

Then out of the darkness
a figure haloed in light
stood ready to take the gang on
was it mighty Kurt Russell, Barbeau thought,
Was it Isaac, was it Harry was it John?

In fact it was Donald Pleasence armed to the teeth
a towel round his neck like a cape
you picked the wrong dame to be picking on
he said in his distinctive tones
I’ll teach you all a lesson and no mistake

oh yes
Pleasance will save the day
he’s fearless, miraculous
and better in every way
he twirled his sword
to keep the hoodlums at bay
Pleasance is here to help Barbeau Oh!
Pleasance is here to help Barbeau

he takes one out with a dagger, another with his gun
he does kung fu karate on the whole bunch
he taught Steven Seagal everything he knows
and taught Liam Neeson how to throat punch.
the gang all run off, tails between their legs
and Barbeau feels her heart re start up in her
she is so thankful she shows him her appreciation
and made him promise never to tell John Carpenter
Track Name: I fell in love with you by the light of a Donald Pleasence movie
I fell in love with you by the light of a Donald Pleasence Movie
I fell in love with you while he was up there on that screen
and while Donald Pleasence was saying important stuff and hunting a monster
I realised you were the lady of my dreams.

You liked stories about Sasquatch and read books on the occult
you knew a lot of stuff about ninjas and their dental regime
you took me to the place where Donald Pleasence had been born
forced me to make love violently in his garden so green

and now that I have met you
I hope we never ever part
and I’ll always let you
touch me in filthy ways around the bum bum
I have from the start
but if you ever tell me it was all a lie about
loving Donald Pleasence
I will have to perform a ritual
where I tear out and eat your heart

on the back of the door to the bathroom I’ve stuck a Donald Pleasence poster
and you lick it each night before you climb in bed
and when I’m tying you up to the crucifix you say call me Donald Pleasence
then smack me with a slipper till my bum bums nice and red

We watch Treasure of the Yankee Zephr
you like to keep it obscure
If loving Donald Pleasence this much is an illness
we hope there’s never a cure
but if you ever break down years from now
and tell me we’ve been living a lie
I would stove your head in with a tire iron
and be protected by the law!

donald pleasance is the man
got a trench coat two hands
he’s fighting with a nazi
he’s cooking up a flan
Malcolm McDowell
you will never be him
Donald Pleasence is a legend
and he knew how to swim
he’s beating up sasquatch
he’s a medieval king
I love ya cos of Pleasance baby
now come and kiss my ring
Track Name: Dr. Sam Loomis's lament
I met him, fifteen years ago; I was told there was nothing left; no reason, no conscience, no understanding; and even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, of good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face, and the blackest eyes... the devil's eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized that what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... evil.

and whenever there is trouble
I strap on my beige trench coat
and I try to warn the people
that he’s coming home
He’s the dracula to my van helsing
and I’ll never stop hunting him down
Michael Myers look behind you
the presence of Donald Pleasance means you’re never alone

He was my patient for fifteen years. He became an obsession with me, until I realized there was nothing inside him, neither conscious nor reason, that was even remotely human! An hour ago I stood up and fired six shots into him and he just got up and walked away. I am talking about the real possibility that he is STILL OUT THERE!

Six bodies, Sheriff! That's what I've seen between here and Ridgemont! A filling station in flames! I'm telling you Michael Myers is here, in this town! He's here to kill that little girl and anybody who gets in his way!
Michael? Why now? You waited ten years. I knew this day would come. Don't go to Haddonfield. If you want another victim, take me. But leave those people in peace. Please, Michael?
Track Name: Ernst Stavro Blofeld, I want to live (in your volcano lair with you)
I want to live
I want to live
I want to live
in your volcano lair with you

I’ll be one of your henchmen
a ninja in a matching jump suit
I will help you start a war between America and Russia
there’s simply nothing that I won’t do
If you let me live down here with you
Ernst Stavri Blofelt
your wish is my command because

I will help you capture James Bond
I will even help you kill him
I will ride your monorail and attend to your rocket
I would happily down here grow old
if once a month I could use the controls
and open up the secret hatch and
we could lie under the stars

When others mention Telly Savalas
and even some who mention Charles Gray
I want to scream loudly in their faces will you go away
There’s only one Blofeld and it’s sodding Donald P
and no one else can have him because he’s living
down here just with me!
Track Name: It's you, Donald Pleasence, it's you
I’m cataclysmically unhappy
it’s true
I feel like I’m a foot
without a shoe
but if anything can pull me through
then it’s you
Donald Pleasence

Your eyes wide full of joy and old gin
the distant sound of a kangaroo
I may have lost my bite
but I can still chew
and if anything can pull me through
then it’s you
Donald Pleasence

Your trench coat is your armour
your eyes are duck egg blue
you’ve fought off all your demons
There’s a lot I can learn from you
and you’re impeccable and remarkable
in everything you do
Donald Pleasence

What I really miss at 2am
is the breathing from the other room
it doesn’t even need to be attached to you
and the only thing that pulls me through
is Donald Pleasence

You never let being bald hold you back
you just accepted that hair never grew
you’ve travelled to every country in the world
have scaled the mountains of peru
I’m still lost and alone
a hunter with no clue
what do I do?
Donald Pleasence
Track Name: The Eve of War (The Donald Pleasence War Suite pt.1)
When he was a younger man
plucky Donald P
had no time for war
a pacifist, an actor a
lover of trains was he
he didn’t want the fighting
or the bloodshed anymore

Raised a strict methodist
up north on those dark yorkshire hills
He didn’t want to hurt his fellow man
a conscientious objector
when the news of war broke out
but if you think him a coward
then you just don’t understand

His love for humanity was such
that he did not want to raise a gun
violence just leads to more is what he thought
he’d rather tread the boards
entertaining with his shakespeare
battles of words and wits were the only ones he fought

but as the fascist armies
defiantly marched near
and more were dead and wounded every day
one afternoon in 1942 he decided
if they were going to try and take his homeland
then he’d stand in their way
Track Name: They Call Him Don (The Donald Pleasence War Suite pt.2)
Donald Pleasance had a change of heart
he’s racing to enlist
he gonna take out Hitler with just one fist
they call him Don
oh yeah they call hime Don

I gotta serve my country
I am going to be the best
Look out I am going to join the RAF
they call him Don
oh yeah they call hime Don

he passed basic training like a pro
took him no time at all
he was itching for a rumble
gonna make those nazis fall
his bald head glinting in the midday sun
I am here don’t worry, everyone
and they call me Don

He jumps into the plane
He says point me at the bastards
I’m going to tear them all asunder
while swinging from the rafters
they call him Don
oh yeah they call hime Don

Got a fire burning deep within
but I’m still an actor first
god bless these engines
let the mighty bombs burst
and ring out Don

But on August 31st 1944 tragedy struck
His Lancaster Ne112 was shot down during a raid on Agenville
Legend has it Don went down firing two machine guns at once
they took him to Stalag Luft 1 where to live was torture you’d rather be killed
but nothing broke his spirit
not this stationmaster’s son
Track Name: The Great Escape (The Donald Pleasence War Suite pt.3)
Years after his experiences
in Stalag Luft 1
It was time to go back to a POW camp
for our baldy hero Don
He was one of the stars of The Great Escape
To have actually been a world war 2 prisoner
Hannes Messemer who played Colonel Lugo
was the other

When Pleasence kindly offered advice
to director John Sturges,
he was politely asked to keep his "opinions" to himself.
He was asked to resist those helpful urges
But Later, when another star from the film
informed him that Pleasence had been a POW and tortured
Sturges requested Pleasance's technical advice
and input on historical accuracy from that point forward.


The only actor to have appeared in both The Great Escape and its sequel
The Great Escape II: The Untold Story on television
Ironically, he played one of the would-be great escapees in the first film and one of the German executioners in the second.

Strangely he even played the role of the SS and Gestapo chief, Heinrich Himmler,
in the film The Eagle Has Landed (1976)
Himmler was the one who ordered the secret murder of "the 50" POWs.
yes their deaths by him were demanded

Thus, Pleasence is likely to be one of only a few actors
to have ever portrayed all three roles
of murder conspirator, executioner, and victim
(although technically he was not among the 50. His character died earlier.).
Track Name: Tough times with Donald Pleasence
When I am weary
When times are tough
When I am close to giving in
because I’ve nearly had enough
I think I’ll ask Donald Pleasence
He’ll know just what to do
then I remember he’s no longer with us
and it starts me feeling blue!

So when I am lonely
and life’s done me in
and there’s no one to turn to
energy’s wearing thin
I go to my closet
and housed deep in there
is a Donald Pleasence puppet
that i know always cares

I take it out and caress it
he tells me a tale
of midgets and goblins
of lobsters and a whale
he gets out his cigar box banjo
he’s the best player I’ve ever heard
and he sings me opera and folk songs
about every thing he’s learned

but before I know it
the night is almost through
and me and the Pleasence puppet
must bid each other adieu
but next time I am feeling sad
and there’s no Gary Busey on TV
I’ll get out the foam Donald Pleasence
and he’ll entertain me