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The Pleasencing!

by Miscellaneous Plumbing Fixtures

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1.
1980 downtown St.Louis there’s people trying to Escape from New York Donald Pleasance, Lee Van Cleef and Ernest Borgnine huddle round a burning car cold and dark Over in the Library Harry Dean Stanton makes speeches, makes soup and makes mess while Adrienne Barbeau is stealing the show while barely being contained by her dress then late one evening in a bad part of town Barbeau finds herself a bit lost She went out to buy herself spark plugs but forgot all her cash and couldn’t cover the cost when down a dark alley around twelve o’clock a menacing gang did appear with flick knives and chains, batons and pipes filling Barbeau full of fear. Oh no What will Barbeau do She’s stranded no weapon no clue maybe she could fend them off with her shoe won’t somebody help Barbeau won’t somebody help Barbeau Then out of the darkness a figure haloed in light stood ready to take the gang on was it mighty Kurt Russell, Barbeau thought, Was it Isaac, was it Harry was it John? In fact it was Donald Pleasence armed to the teeth a towel round his neck like a cape you picked the wrong dame to be picking on he said in his distinctive tones I’ll teach you all a lesson and no mistake oh yes Pleasance will save the day he’s fearless, miraculous and better in every way he twirled his sword to keep the hoodlums at bay Pleasance is here to help Barbeau Oh! Pleasance is here to help Barbeau he takes one out with a dagger, another with his gun he does kung fu karate on the whole bunch he taught Steven Seagal everything he knows and taught Liam Neeson how to throat punch. the gang all run off, tails between their legs and Barbeau feels her heart re start up in her she is so thankful she shows him her appreciation and made him promise never to tell John Carpenter
2.
I fell in love with you by the light of a Donald Pleasence Movie I fell in love with you while he was up there on that screen and while Donald Pleasence was saying important stuff and hunting a monster I realised you were the lady of my dreams. You liked stories about Sasquatch and read books on the occult you knew a lot of stuff about ninjas and their dental regime you took me to the place where Donald Pleasence had been born forced me to make love violently in his garden so green and now that I have met you I hope we never ever part and I’ll always let you touch me in filthy ways around the bum bum I have from the start but if you ever tell me it was all a lie about loving Donald Pleasence I will have to perform a ritual where I tear out and eat your heart on the back of the door to the bathroom I’ve stuck a Donald Pleasence poster and you lick it each night before you climb in bed and when I’m tying you up to the crucifix you say call me Donald Pleasence then smack me with a slipper till my bum bums nice and red We watch Treasure of the Yankee Zephr you like to keep it obscure If loving Donald Pleasence this much is an illness we hope there’s never a cure but if you ever break down years from now and tell me we’ve been living a lie I would stove your head in with a tire iron and be protected by the law! donald pleasance is the man got a trench coat two hands he’s fighting with a nazi he’s cooking up a flan Malcolm McDowell you will never be him Donald Pleasence is a legend and he knew how to swim he’s beating up sasquatch he’s a medieval king I love ya cos of Pleasance baby now come and kiss my ring
3.
I met him, fifteen years ago; I was told there was nothing left; no reason, no conscience, no understanding; and even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, of good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face, and the blackest eyes... the devil's eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized that what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... evil. and whenever there is trouble I strap on my beige trench coat and I try to warn the people that he’s coming home He’s the dracula to my van helsing and I’ll never stop hunting him down Michael Myers look behind you the presence of Donald Pleasance means you’re never alone He was my patient for fifteen years. He became an obsession with me, until I realized there was nothing inside him, neither conscious nor reason, that was even remotely human! An hour ago I stood up and fired six shots into him and he just got up and walked away. I am talking about the real possibility that he is STILL OUT THERE! Six bodies, Sheriff! That's what I've seen between here and Ridgemont! A filling station in flames! I'm telling you Michael Myers is here, in this town! He's here to kill that little girl and anybody who gets in his way! Michael? Why now? You waited ten years. I knew this day would come. Don't go to Haddonfield. If you want another victim, take me. But leave those people in peace. Please, Michael?
4.
I want to live I want to live I want to live in your volcano lair with you I’ll be one of your henchmen a ninja in a matching jump suit I will help you start a war between America and Russia there’s simply nothing that I won’t do If you let me live down here with you Ernst Stavri Blofelt your wish is my command because I will help you capture James Bond I will even help you kill him I will ride your monorail and attend to your rocket I would happily down here grow old if once a month I could use the controls and open up the secret hatch and we could lie under the stars When others mention Telly Savalas and even some who mention Charles Gray I want to scream loudly in their faces will you go away There’s only one Blofeld and it’s sodding Donald P and no one else can have him because he’s living down here just with me!
5.
I’m cataclysmically unhappy it’s true I feel like I’m a foot without a shoe but if anything can pull me through then it’s you Donald Pleasence Your eyes wide full of joy and old gin the distant sound of a kangaroo I may have lost my bite but I can still chew and if anything can pull me through then it’s you Donald Pleasence Your trench coat is your armour your eyes are duck egg blue you’ve fought off all your demons There’s a lot I can learn from you and you’re impeccable and remarkable in everything you do Donald Pleasence What I really miss at 2am is the breathing from the other room it doesn’t even need to be attached to you and the only thing that pulls me through is Donald Pleasence You never let being bald hold you back you just accepted that hair never grew you’ve travelled to every country in the world have scaled the mountains of peru I’m still lost and alone a hunter with no clue what do I do? Donald Pleasence
6.
7.
When he was a younger man plucky Donald P had no time for war a pacifist, an actor a lover of trains was he he didn’t want the fighting or the bloodshed anymore Raised a strict methodist up north on those dark yorkshire hills He didn’t want to hurt his fellow man a conscientious objector when the news of war broke out but if you think him a coward then you just don’t understand His love for humanity was such that he did not want to raise a gun violence just leads to more is what he thought he’d rather tread the boards entertaining with his shakespeare battles of words and wits were the only ones he fought but as the fascist armies defiantly marched near and more were dead and wounded every day one afternoon in 1942 he decided if they were going to try and take his homeland then he’d stand in their way
8.
Donald Pleasance had a change of heart he’s racing to enlist he gonna take out Hitler with just one fist they call him Don oh yeah they call hime Don I gotta serve my country I am going to be the best Look out I am going to join the RAF they call him Don oh yeah they call hime Don he passed basic training like a pro took him no time at all he was itching for a rumble gonna make those nazis fall his bald head glinting in the midday sun I am here don’t worry, everyone and they call me Don He jumps into the plane He says point me at the bastards I’m going to tear them all asunder while swinging from the rafters they call him Don oh yeah they call hime Don Got a fire burning deep within but I’m still an actor first god bless these engines let the mighty bombs burst and ring out Don But on August 31st 1944 tragedy struck His Lancaster Ne112 was shot down during a raid on Agenville Legend has it Don went down firing two machine guns at once they took him to Stalag Luft 1 where to live was torture you’d rather be killed but nothing broke his spirit not this stationmaster’s son
9.
Years after his experiences in Stalag Luft 1 It was time to go back to a POW camp for our baldy hero Don He was one of the stars of The Great Escape To have actually been a world war 2 prisoner Hannes Messemer who played Colonel Lugo was the other When Pleasence kindly offered advice to director John Sturges, he was politely asked to keep his "opinions" to himself. He was asked to resist those helpful urges But Later, when another star from the film informed him that Pleasence had been a POW and tortured Sturges requested Pleasance's technical advice and input on historical accuracy from that point forward. The only actor to have appeared in both The Great Escape and its sequel The Great Escape II: The Untold Story on television Ironically, he played one of the would-be great escapees in the first film and one of the German executioners in the second. Strangely he even played the role of the SS and Gestapo chief, Heinrich Himmler, in the film The Eagle Has Landed (1976) Himmler was the one who ordered the secret murder of "the 50" POWs. yes their deaths by him were demanded Thus, Pleasence is likely to be one of only a few actors to have ever portrayed all three roles of murder conspirator, executioner, and victim (although technically he was not among the 50. His character died earlier.).
10.
When I am weary When times are tough When I am close to giving in because I’ve nearly had enough I think I’ll ask Donald Pleasence He’ll know just what to do then I remember he’s no longer with us and it starts me feeling blue! So when I am lonely and life’s done me in and there’s no one to turn to energy’s wearing thin I go to my closet and housed deep in there is a Donald Pleasence puppet that i know always cares I take it out and caress it he tells me a tale of midgets and goblins of lobsters and a whale he gets out his cigar box banjo he’s the best player I’ve ever heard and he sings me opera and folk songs about every thing he’s learned but before I know it the night is almost through and me and the Pleasence puppet must bid each other adieu but next time I am feeling sad and there’s no Gary Busey on TV I’ll get out the foam Donald Pleasence and he’ll entertain me

about

After the release of my ten track ‘Weekend’ album I was thinking of spending the year challenging myself to make as many ten track albums as I could.
Then on the podcast Bloodbaths and Boomsticks they said do a ten track album about British character actor Donald Pleasence and I said “done!”
That is this album.

credits

released May 7, 2015

Written, performed and produced by Jon Cross of Miscellaneous Plumbing Fixtures.

Copyright Om/No Productions Music 2015

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Miscellaneous Plumbing Fixtures New Milford, Connecticut

Songwriting and banging your instruments together

The main thing I love to do is write songs. I pick up various instruments from ukulele to piano, accordion to percussion and electric guitar to harmonica and bang them about to try and get close to the noises I hear in my head but the writing comes first. ... more

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